The Meaning of Misbehavour

Andrew Guthrie, Ph.D.

In place of time-out – for children, their possessions and their privileges – I encourage parents and teachers to try having a “time-in” with their children when they are struggling with their emotions and behaviour. This method views children’s “misbehaviour” as an implicit communication or sign to the caregiver that the child is experiencing a feeling that they are struggling to control or understand. It is as if the child is saying, “I’m feeling something intensely that I don’t understand, and I need your help to understand it and control it so I don’t have to misbehave anymore.” From this perspective, misbehaviour is a cry for help from the child, not a sign of badness that requires punishment (punishment often does not work long-term in alleviating unwanted behaviours – instead it can exacerbate the child’s anger, sense of loss, rejection, isolation and sense of being misunderstood. If punishment does work, it can create a fearful or compliant child, who may not behave well because his or her caregiver’s are loved and the child will naturally feel remorse or guilt by misbehaving (the ideal situation), but the child may comply simply to avoid punishment or because the child is afraid and does not want to be rejected).

In response to the child’s plea for assistance, or misbehaviour, the caregiver can set a limit that he or she does not like what the child is doing (rules are still fine with this model, the emphasis is on how to respond when the child crosses a line or breaks a rule), but that the child probably has a good reason for behaving this way. It is definitely okay to be feeling this way (unconditional acceptance and reflecting the child’s feelings), and perhaps if the caregiver can help the child calm down a bit, they can talk about what the child is feeling and what could have happened to make them feel this way. Once the child sees that the caregiver is not angry or punitive, but calm and curious about what the child is experiencing emotionally, the children often calms down, appears more controlled and can eventually talk about what happened to make them act that way. Underlying this philosophy is that the caregiver is to accept and care for the child unconditionally, and that when the child is struggling with their feelings and subsequent behaviour, the caregiver needs to respond sensitively, calmly and warmly. If this method is used consistently, over time the child learns to control their behaviour and develops insight into their feelings and the connection between an event, emotion and their behaviour.

Experiences of “time-in”, or staying with a child when they are affectively dysregulated, containing and accepting the child’s affect and talking about it, is ultimately how the regulation of affect develops from infancy onward (a time-in in infancy occurs when we respond to our baby’s cries by holding and talking to it, not by punishing or isolating the baby). Time-In’s promote the relationship between the child and caregiver which the child requires to psychologically develop and regulate their feelings, while time-out for the child, the child’s possessions and his or her privileges, can fracture this relationship and lead to an increase in anger, misbehaviour, emotional detachment, and continued affect dysregulation.

Reference

Weininger, O (1998) TIPS:Time-In Parenting Strategies. Esf Publishers.

Please visit http://therapyintoronto.com/anger-management_23.html  for more on “Time-In.”

© Andrew Guthrie 2006