A: It is extremely challenging to speak to someone who does not respond in the way that
we need them to. It can feel like talking to a “wall” who does not take in what we say. It can also feel like we are not close to that person and that they do not recognize or respect us. I am not sure why exactly your child has stopped listening, recognizing or respecting you in the way that you deserve, but I do have some thoughts about what might be happening.
If your child has stopped listening to you, try to step back for a moment and observe yourself when you speak to your child. Hear yourself, and imagine what your child is hearing, or how they could be perceiving you or themselves as a result of what you say. This may begin to help you understand why your child has stopped listening.
Second, children can stop listening when they feel they are not being listened to. Ask yourself if your child feels like they are being heard by you. If not, give your child an opportunity to talk about what they are thinking or feeling. You may find that this leads to your child being more able to listen to you when you have something to say.
Q: “My child is defying me. Sometimes he swears or hits me. Why is this happening? What should I do?”
A: To begin to understand why this problem is occurring at this time, a full assessment of 6-8 sessions with your family and your child is probably required. The explanation of a problem is likely as complicated as the problem, and most problems are complex, with multiple layers and more than one cause.
But, I can say that your child seems very angry with you, and that a therapeutic assessment would be directed towards understanding why this is so. Instead of giving your child a time-out when he behaves badly, try a time-in instead. This is a simple method where the parent remains calm and containing of the child’s anger and aggression when this occurs. The parent does not retaliate with a punishment, which can inadvertently reinforce the child’s difficult behaviour by creating more anger in the child. Punishing difficult behaviour gives the child a new reason for being upset with you.
Now, the child’s anger towards you may be mis-directed, inappropriate and wrong, but by responding with punishment or by invalidating the child’s anger, the child will likely feel misunderstood and even angrier. Therefore, when this occurs we must recognize that the child is less mature than we are, and he or she is showing their lack of maturity by not controlling their emotions or actions. In response, we must be more mature and wise than the child, by remaining calm, in control and thinking, when the child is irrational, enraged and thoughtless.
We must try to speak calmly to the child about how we see that they are very angry at the moment, and maybe if we calm down a bit, we can begin to understand what happened to make the child so angry. If the child is hitting or kicking you, try gently holding their arms or legs while saying that you are not angry with the child but you are ready to hear why the child is so angry with you. Of course, you may be justifiably upset with the child and feel that his or her anger is completely senseless, but this approach will help the child calm down and talk about their feelings, which is our goal. When a child realizes that their parent is not angry with them and is not retaliating, or “taking the bait”, their own anger and aggression usually does not last long.
As you can see, this model puts a lot of importance on the parent being the older, wiser and more mature participant in an argument or difficult moment with their child. Sometimes it is hard to see or understand why this should be so. Parents are often concerned about “losing face,” or respect in front of their child. They fear spoiling their child or allowing themselves be dominated to abused by their child, who they feel should “just listen” and behave. In no way am I suggesting that parents spoil their child, or allow themselves to be dominated. The understanding words above should always be accompanied by the idea that it is not ok for the child to hit or swear at his or her parent, but that the parent and the child can work together to understand what has happened to make the child feel that they have to behave this way. I am suggesting that we are more capable than our children of responding differently than we have been when difficult moments arise, due to the gap that exists between our and our child’s level of maturity.
Good advice is not always enough. Sometimes, a therapeutic assessment and therapeutic treatment, which always include working with parents around issues such as this one, is necessary to create lasting change.
